Overwhelmed with guilt.
I've been far too absorbed in my own thoughts recently. Things are going through my mind in lumps, simultaneously. Seemingly detached from the world. Putting on the pretence of a listener when I have no idea whatever whoever's talking about. At the very least, I still remember to nod my head at appropriate times. Honestly, I'm struggling with that.
Blaze lost to Nike. Sometimes I wonder if my absence would make things better. Yes we do look like we can complement each other on court, but only on the surface. Despite disparities in our playing styles, we don't seem to make any conscious effort to work them out. Leaving them the way it is, passively waiting for each other to take the initiative to adapt to each other's style. That's our definition of effort. A fertile one at that. So why bother to put up a worthless struggle. All the attempts of concealing our inability to fit into each other, left me sick and tired.
Nonetheless, Cihui's presence was comforting. I guess there'll always be a point of time when we start to question ourselves as to what/who exactly are we hanging in there for. There don't seem to be any purpose. And sometimes looking back, we realised how much we've changed, the reason we're working for had already cease to exist. Many a time, they disappear unknowingly. Then you start to wonder why.
Loving something isn't about possessing it. Having it with you might not make you love it more. ALL THESE WHILE, I've been trying my utmost best to convince myself that I must never give up netball. Because giving up the thing that you love is worse than armaggedon. Without it, you'll never be who you are anymore. But I know by holding on to it, I'll grow to hate . A time-bomb which I have ample time to get rid of, it doesn't make things easier. The joy I once experienced is becoming more of a heavy responsibility. I'd rather end it now, at least I remember netball as a joy.
Hao de dong xi, zhan zai yuan yuan kan jiu hao. Er zhan zai yuan yuan kan, you shi fan er kan de geng qing chu.
